Beets and Ostriches
by Sera Makkusu
Summary: This is just a fun story I made with my friend on IM. Warning: Just--warning for stupidity and epicness, I suppose. It's a Office, Harry Potter, Twilight, Matrix, Terminator, Bob the Builder, Hangover crossover.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: WARNING: This is one of the most insane The Office, Harry Potter, Twilight, Bob the Builder, Matix, Terminator crossover you will ever find. Be aware that this epic adventure was written on FaceBook chat with my friend and it will include bad grammar, short chapters, and stupidity. ALSO: Just consider 'H' the most awesome letter ever, then you should understand those parts of the story :D**

**Disclaimer: My friend and I...we're not worthy of owning the Office.  
**

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The world is being taken over. And what, may you ask, invades this beautifully polluted and wacked up planet? Dwight. Not only Dwight, but Mini Dwights. An army.

They did not arrive to this world alone and unprepared. They had…beets. They were loaded. Mini Dwights were using them as projectiles. Dwight was just…eating them…raw. "Oh, yum. Yummilicious beets."

Pam was there, as well as others. The co-leader of the Dwights was, no surprise here, Angela. Andy was the drummer boy. They marched through western Europe.

Angela started babbling about her and Dwights future. Distracted, Dwight stopped the army to rest.

Andy now had his chance. He threw the drum down onto the ground. He then punched a hole in the space/time continuum and disappeared into it. It caused an epidemic.

Apparently, the world died within 5 seconds. But, there were survivors, and possibly more. Michael, Phyllis, Stanley, and the Dwights lived.

But…Dwight forgot to take his pills this morning. He ate the other Dwights heads. And then he started to clone…ostriches.

Just then, the army of H came in. Dwight looked over at them dramatically. "Sick em boys!"

The ostriches gladly pecked the leader H to death.

But…the army still remained.

But then they left to protect the cowards that they were.

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**A/N: I warned you. Don't worry, though, it gets interesting...kind of. :/ Review? Actually, I'm interested to know what your thoughts on this are...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Updated to chapter two! **

**Disclaimer: I'M NOT WORTHY.  
**

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Somehow, Pam was now feeding Dwight frozen yogurt from her hand. He fed her raw beets like grapes. As Pam honored Dwight and his leader-ness, Jim grew angry.

"YOU SICK *CENSOREDFORYOURINNOCENCE*!" Jim shouts. Then, Pam stood to the side and Dwight and Jim go all matrix on each other.

They were matrixy. But… no one seemed to be hurting the other. They were…hitting themselves. There was…no point. …At all. Pam grew impatient at the boringness.

Jim then eventually pulled out, from his pocket, a bazooka and blew up Dwight. But it wasn't over.

Within minutes, one of the mini Dwights turned into the real one, being taken over by his soul. Then, Jim, using his magical healing powers, grew Dwights head back. He was then forgiven for blowing him into smithereens.

Soon, the H's gained confidence. They were having a meeting. "HHHHHHHHHHH! HHHH? HHHHH. HH!" the leader commanded.

"H!" the army shouted back in reply.

The H army marched to them. But…sadly, they ate Phyllis. Nobody mourned her death except for Michael, because he's the boss and he has to like everybody.

Toby, who had just appeared alive, emerged from a rock. He was in all khaki. The H culture took that army offensively. "HHH!" the leader commands.

"H!" The army kills Toby. And eats his soul.

And then…the most amazing event occurred. It was unbelievable. Unthinkable. It was Stanley.

He…finshed…his crossword puzzle.

The H's became stronger. Dwight became the hero, just then. Suddenly, he pulled out an awesome tricked out sword from a rock, that had just appeared.

But that's not all. He…became…

The chosen one.

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**A/N: -gasp!- Anyway, thanks for the review! I hope to get some more! **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is where the Harry Potter really starts to come in. ;D PREVIOUSLY ON BEETS AND OSTRICHES:**

_**The H's became stronger. Dwight became the hero, just then. Suddenly, he pulled out an awesome tricked out sword from a rock, that had just appeared.**_

_**But that's not all. He…became…**_

_**The chosen one.**_

**Disclaimer: Me not own. :D  
**

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Harry Potter was soooo jealous right now. He appeared, and waved his wand and was all, "ABRA KADABRA, YALL."

Then one of the H's turned into Severus Snape. But then Snape turned into a snake and was all, "Imma countray snake! HISS YALL."

No one on the face of the planet knew why they were using country accents.

Then, Lily Allens was back from the dead. But it was actually Phyllis, but in disguise.

But then another H turned into one of Ron Weasley's brothers and killed Snape the snake. They enveloped his soul and mailed it to the Dumbledore. They had super duper epic pony express mail. Meanwhile, the brother ran away.

When Dumbledore opened it, the lights from the soul shone into his eyes and he became blind.

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David walked into the abandoned office. No one was there, from what he could see, and he stopped and looked down at the front desk. There was a note that read:

_Stopping Andy from killing us all. He screamed it before we left. Be back in fifteen minutes. _

_ ~Pam and the others_

He sighed and shook his head. He took away all of their vacation time because they took it without telling him. "Geez, you can't just go and save the world when you feel like it! Or destroy it, GOSH ANDY."

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The H's and Dwight were having a battle. The fight involved many, many matrix moves. Dwight slaughtered 9,124 H's. Only two were left, but they ran away. Dwight did not try to chase them.

And then…the most powerful…rose.

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**A/N: Oooh the most powerful...And will the H's come back?! :O**

**Review! I'll be back with chapter four soon.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Update to chapter four! Woohoo! This chapters really short -not that the rest of them are long, haha- but it's cool. I wonder what beets cleaned with oxyclean taste like. o.e**

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Dwight summoned up the power of his beets and the entire Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch. The dead one's zombies rose from the ground. Beets exploded from trees.

Then, Andy ran. To tear another hole in the space/time continuum. The previous was growing.

Dwight killed all of the remaining H's. He ate their ashes.

But then, the H's came back. The two that had left had shrunk, and come back with mini H's. To reproduce, they split themselves apart. So they were smaller, and much weaker. They arrived with thirteen Spartans.

Meanwhile, Jim was revealed to be Neo. Stanley transformed into an awesome warrior. The two of them went to search for survivors in Scranton.

They arrived at Dunder Mifflin in Scranton and began looking. They found four people. Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Farah Fawcett and Bob the Builder. Spongebob's carcass was in Michael's office.

They all decided to return to Dwight and the others. Then, once they arrived, Billy Mays made a record breaking sale.

Dwight bought _all _of his oxy-clean. He used it to clean his precious beets.

But then, everyone died except for Pam, Jim, Michael, Stanley, Billy Mays, Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Bob the Builder. Stanley was revealed to be Dwight. And there were still way too many ostriches.

Michael Jackson rode the ostrich into the ocean making unintelligible noises. He did not live.

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**A/N: Okay then! So Michael Jackson was suddenly killed off, but that's okay, because Dwight is still alive but was in the disguise of Stanley...don't ask we don't know how that actually worked. LOL**

**See you soon!  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry, a The Office, Harry Potter, Matrix, Terminator, Bob the Builder, ect, _Kangaroo Jack_ crossover. Forgot to add that one. XD **

**Disclaimer: Not worthy  
**

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The seven of them rode to Las Vegas on ostriches. They drank everything in the city's contents. Then they rode to Australia. It was easy, because suddenly all of the continents formed back together.

In Australia, they found Andy and a Persian lady riding Kangaroo Jack. "Hey guess what? I tore another hole," Andy announced.

"Great, you jerk, just greaaaat," Michael complained.

"Okay," Dwight said. "Oh, Persian one, are there survivors?"

She said something that no one understood, so they went to Persia. They slaughtered Kangaroo Jack, and then started riding, though.

Andy, who just can't control himself, tore another hole in Persia. Everyone fled. Then Persia exploded. And the Persian lady.

Then, catastrophic events occurred. Africa sank, the Southern ocean was now missing, and so was the Pacific and Atlantic. And then, Atlantis rose from the Red Sea.

While riding on to other places, they discovered the people from the Hangover. They had headaches, and were hung-over. They had a tiger with them too, that strangely looked like the one that Mike Tyson owned.

One person in the hung-over group looked at Andy. He gave him a strange look. "I think I know you…"

Andy considered it. "I think so…"

In other news, they did an Irish jig. While singing disco.

And then…_they _arrived…

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**A/N: I'd be pretty scared if an ocean or two went missing...Wouldn't you? R&R pleasseee!  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Okay this part is really really really short and I know that I haven't updated...not that I know anyone who's really really really into this story and is pounding their head on the wall when it's not updated....so....you know what? Never mind just enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: No. I don't.  
**

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They arrived. The Martians…they landed. One came out and it looked like a green smurf. He raised his gun.

Another green smurf came out of the mothership and held up a hand. His name tag said Stu. "No, not yet, George," Stu said. George lowered his gun.

Suddenly, an extremely large robotic tentacle came from the ship. Everyone screamed like little girls. Even Stanley. The tentacle was long enough to reach from Australia to Scranton and grab Pam.

Jim shouted a bunch of curse words and said, "YOU. DIE. NOW." He turned into Neo/Terminator. He destroyed the ship and turned back into Jim. Dwight could not believe his eyes so he ate a beet that he grew from his left ear.

And then…Edward Cullen descended from the sky. He took out a milk jug filled with body glitter and poured it on everyone. Jim is mourning, for the glitter does not take away the depression.

And then Stu is like, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED." And then he flew away into space with George.

And then Dwight spots…Professor Lupin. And then Edward gives everyone death glares and is all like, "Where's Andy?! He killed my BELLER!!!"

Professor Lupin looks around. "Sup."

Dwight took a step forward with a pleading face. "Lend us your werewolf powers."

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**A/N: Review or Lupin might eat you. :O **

**...Jk  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Previously on Beets and Ostriches...Dwight asked if he could borrow some werewolf powers from Lupin. I think for the soul, the random speech, the full moon, and the beet summon...this is my favorite chapter. :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Office. Or Harry Potter. Or The Matrix...or anything else this story crosses over with.  
**

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"Okay," Lupin said, finally. There was a prolonged silence. And then…the sky went out. And it was…really dark.

Edward looked at Lupin. He started to shake angrily. The fact that Lupin was a man wolf reminded him too much of Jacob so he left to go snag Bella from him. Because…he hates Jacob. But then he remembered that Bella was dead…But he left anyway.

He was ignored and Lupin handed over the Wolfsbane potion to Dwight. And then…the moon shot up. And it was bright. And…FULL.

Lupin went wolf on them. He rips a random "Deadly black hole by Andy" survivor into shreds. …The "Deadly black hole by Andy survivor"…does not survive. And besides Lupin's effect under the full moon, ostriches are immortal under the full moon.

So now, Dwight, Jim, Michael, Lupin, Billy Mays, Bob the Builder, and Farah Fawcett are the ones still alive. But then Dwight eats Farah Fawcett, so she's gone. He burped. Loudly.

Suddenly, Mose's soul rises from a random crack in the ground. A small, far away voice called, "Beets are the waaayy!" It echoed. Dwight feels the sudden urge to make a huge speech about beets.

"Ever since I was a little fetus, I've had my mind set on being a beet farmer." He looked intensely at the faces of his small audience. He continued, "Beet juice has additional value as a laxative, and is way better for you than that stupid 'magically delicious' leprechaun cereal. In fact, it's leprechauns that destroy half of my beets. Stupid little pests." There was a silence. "Th-th-that's a-all folks." And then everyone glared. "Okay fine. So, I was saying, beet juice is an excellent la—"

Jim sprayed him with a fire extinguisher. He sprayed it and Dwight thrashed on the ground violently. "BEETS!!!" Dwight shouted. His voice echoed in the sound of the night. Beets shot up from the ground, growing five feet a nano second until they were fifty feet tall.

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**A/N: Thanks for reading if anyone actually read...haha. Anyway: I feel kind of sad because I've only had one review and the story is over in only two chapters...Review? Make me happier? :] ...Please? **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Okay, so I haven't updated in a while but here you go! Chapter Eight. And previously on Beets and Ostriches, at the end of the last chapter...Jim sprayed Dwight with a fire extinguisher and Dwight shouted "BEETS!!" and it echoed through the hills and 50 ft beets grew.**

**Disclaimer: NO. **

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Dwight stood up and managed to wipe off his face. "Alright! Someone get me an axe to hack down one of these beets."

Michael went behind a really tall bush. There was about a minute of screaming from the area, and then he came back with one arm and one axe. "I tried to hide it up my sleeve, but it appears I'm not magical."

Dwight chopped down a beet and at down on the ground next to it once it fell. He chipped off a piece about the size of his head. Before he took his first bite, he screamed, "FEAST MY FRIENDS!!"

"No, I'm leaving," Lupin decided. The beets came alive. Except for the one that Dwight slaughtered, that one was dead. Jim gasped like a little girl and pulled out some amazing swords.

Dwight jumps up and takes the swords from Jim. "No!" He looked at Lupin. He smirked. "I meant for them to feast on YOU."

The largest beet, the leader, walked up to Lupin and leaned down. He licked him. "Hmm," the beet grumbled. "Sample does not please…" Lupin howled and all the beets tried to eat Dwight.

Jim is like, "Oh snap." Jim takes back his swords and he slaughtered them. But…Dwight was already covered in bite marks. And dead. Jims laughs like a maniac. "HAHA. HA. SAMPLE DOES PLEASE," he said. He continued laughing.

And then he resurrects Dwight. And clones him.

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**A/N: Review? ...Maybe?**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Oh noes!! This is the last chapter...wow...this story was shorter than I thought...But then again, this was made over IM in one night, so...Anyway, enjoy the last chapter! **

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Fifty times. That is how many times that Jim cloned Dwight. Dwight looked at Jim. "Thanks. My clones will finish everything now."

Jim realizes that he can now revive Pam. So he does. And then everyone does a happy cheer. "EEWW…AFFECTIONS…" Dwight bellowed.

They didn't notice until right then that it became day. And they needed to eat…very badly…So they went by this abandoned convenience store in Kansas.

When they all walked in, Billy Mays was like, "Wow, look at these counters…these dudes needed Oxy-Clean…"

Then…all of the gummy bears burst from their packages. But they ate them all, before they could cause any more world destruction.

And then…Hagrid broke down the door. And he was like, "HEY. YA'LL. COME TO HOGWARTS."

Michael, Jim, Pam, and Dwight went back with Hagrid. Billy Mays and Bob the Builder were just like, "screw it."

And then…they arrived at Hogwarts! Harry Potter was dead at the front door. Everyone sobbed. But then, Voldemort tried to eat Dwight. "BEETSSS!!!!" Dwight bellowed. Voldemort screeched and flew away on plastic butterfly wings that he got on sale at Wal-Mart.

Pam gasped and looked at Dwight with wide eyes. "There's a heart on your forehead! Oh my god, Dwight, you're bleeding from it a little bit! OH MY GOD IT'S GLOWING!"

Dwight gasped, also, and came to a realization. He…was the NEW boy…who lived.

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**A/N: Well, if anyone's read this all the way through...thanks for reading! There might...MIGHT...be more Office fanfictions that are better than this, or makes more sense...but I can't make any promises. So...thanks again! :)**


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